Just today, I was telling Alex that I wish we had been keeping a journal of what it has been like to be getting out of debt. We have truly been through so much during this process that it would take a book to cover it all. So many people have watched us go through it all, yet so many are really just seeing us go through it now. Unfortunately, the people who are seeing it now, are only getting a small picture of what it has truly been like, and let me tell you, it has definitely been a struggle. There have been so many times that we've chosen not to eat out, even though we desparately wanted to, or have even had to tell each other "no" on things we have wanted to purchase.
Today was a perfect example. I felt completely inspired this morning from the video that was shown at Church. They introduced the Advent Conspiracy, and talked about what Christmas has become in America with all the spending we do. I have been completely on board with this, and we are not strangers to having a cash Christmas, since this will be our 5th one. I can't tell you how much stress this relieves. I even felt inspired to jot a few of my thoughts down about it in an earlier blog.
It is so true, that when I spew out words of wisdom, they are usually coming directly down from God to help me at that very moment. Only a couple of hours after I wrote that little diddy, did I start thinking about moving again. For those of you who know me well, you know that this is one of my strongest weaknesses right now!! I want to move, and I want to move badly!! Well, of course, we found another perfect place to move into. The price is right, the location is right, it is perfect!! I had it completely in my mind that I could go look at this place, and be completely non-committed to getting this place, and we would be open if God could work it out. If not, I'm ready to walk away. Alex was totally on board with me looking at it, and gathering information.
However, after discussing it further, and throwing all of our thoughts out on the subject, I actually came to the conclusion that it really doesn't fit into our financial plan for us to move at this time in the year, for many reasons. It just doesn't work, unless God performs a major miracle. We went to bed and I was 100% determined to just call tomorrow, and cancel the appointment, since there is no need to mess with temptation. As I was laying in bed, I was praying, and I just found myself getting more and more angry! Why can't we just do it? Why do we have to wait? What if there isn't another place like this when we're ready to move in February? What if our plan is delayed? I don't want to wait!! Lord, why am I so angry about this? I don't get it! HELP!! I NEED YOUR STRENGTH!! That did it! I was done!
Before I knew it, I was in a full on "Grown Up Temper Tantrum". All I could do was cry and be angry. I woke up Alex, and he helped soothe me. After I mostly calmed down, I let him go back to sleep, while I read the Bible out loud to give myself some peace. Now here I am at 2:38 am, writing this, quite humbly, I might add.
So, there you go! My logical brain knows that what our family is doing is vital! I have no doubt. However, I go through these difficult times more often than I would like to admit. I know that God has given this plan to me and Alex, and even helped us to get our kids on board, who struggle with this less than I do, but what can I say? I've got a long way to go yet. I am fully aware how much I cannot do this on my own, in my own strength. I guess its time for me to let go of the control, for the gazillionth time, and hand it over to God where it belongs, and always is anyways.
If you are feeling like you are alone in you financial troubles, please know that you are not!! Also, please know that it is not easy.
Hebrews 12:11 states: No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening-it is painful!! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.